Accéder au contenu principal

Explaining my depression to my sister

Sister love,
I felt it the uncountable number of time you dug your very long nails into my butt tryna wake me up.
I heard you call me six hundred and sixty six times or more.
I sensed your footsteps on your way into my room.
Yet I did not wake up, didn’t show any sign of life.
When it felt like too much, I gave you a very weak yes, meaning just let me sleep.
However you took it as an invitation, an invitation to start lecturing me, giving me ultimatums.
“You have two options,” you said in your most stern voice. “Either you wake up by peace, or I shall evict you from that bed and throw you out God knows I can!”

In a more insisting voice, I tell you I can’t do wake up. At this time I’ve run out of excuses. I had the headaches, stomach pain, PMS and I couldn’t come up with another one.
On a more serious final tone, you take the covers away and leave me to fend for myself. I sleep for a while and go back to take the covers and sleep again.

This, love, was not me acting out. This was not me being a bitch or a brat. This was me fighting demons way bigger and more devilish than I’ve ever had. It was me trying so hard to live but being compelled not to.

Love, I cant explain how it works, when it comes or how. All I know is that some days waking up is harder than others. Some days living is harder than others; and it sucks being only Human.

Commentaires

  1. Unknown24 septembre 2018 à 10:42

    emotionally captivating!! that first line, though--my mind went places hahahahahahahahahahaha. Feel and get better soon. Just remember, man, that out here there are people rooting, and there, for you. Never forget that!!

    RépondreSupprimer

Enregistrer un commentaire

Posts les plus consultés de ce blog

Blake 11: a psychiatric hospital review

This one is from a while ago, so some details will be a bit here and there. The first time I was hospitalized for my mental illness, which is also the time I was diagnosed, I was at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH). The story of how I got there is in another blogpost. It was the 28th February 2018. I was sent to MGH for a wellness check. I rode with the MIT EMT. They did my labs and all my minerals and fluids were wack. I had spent almost two months without eating and drinking little water. Even though I got there around 10pm I wasn’t seen by a doctor until 2am.  That was because they were trying to give me fluids so that my levels would get close to normal. They also gave me food. A fruit bar and tuna sandwich.  When I met with the doctor, I broke into tears as one does. I told him the analogy of the tree falling in the forest but life/ death edition. We talked about lots of stuff. At the end of our discussion he told me I have bipolar disorder. I didn’t kn...
Enregistrer un commentaire
Lire la suite

Impromptu Poems

1. They came to us running Lusting over our brains The pocketful of vegetables So slow yet so strong Full of savagery It couldn’t be compared So, we had to choose: Fight or flight Help or denial The weak or the strong. We wait for the weak And we lose ourselves We leave them behind, And we lose them forever. A dilemma Who to save? Who to leave? This was inspired from a debate motion saying," in case of a Zombie attack, do we wait for the weak" 2. Standing in front of us, They hold our brains Filling them up Opening them up All these new words The insane concepts The beauty of what lies ahead Quickly scribbling new teachings As if they were scriptures We seek to express But we are impressed How does someone know so much? This should be illegal Either way, it isn’t That’s where the beauty lies Written when I visited the beginner's class during the dreamers camp 2016
2 commentaires
Lire la suite

A letter to ggast class of 2017

Dear Gashora Girls Academy class of 2017, As I write this, I am in the MIT orientation. Last year at this exact time I was at home, sick. Less than a week earlier, I had a mental breakdown. The next day I was given permission to go home, and this marked the first of many trips I took home that term. I might have had a slightly different experience in the last term, but I believe I can give you some words of wisdom. Senior six (grade 12) was a frightening year for me. I was not a proactive person, and I liked​ to keep things to myself. Selling myself to a college seemed so hard for me. I had to talk to Mr John, our University counselor, do research, standardized tests, and all those things. I didn't know where to start. I was simply confused, so I stopped everything. I started the year with a 31 score in ACT practice, however, it went downhill from there. When I'm overwhelmed with multiple thing to do, I tend to freeze and not do anything at all. So I stopped ACT pract...
2 commentaires
Lire la suite