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The 2020 list- Revisited

 The future scares me. The hardest thing for me is to plan for things long term. That has been a trigger for me and it’s something I was actively working in with my therapist close to the end of 2019. The last quarter of 2019 was relatively good for me. I did okay in class and had good support systems in place. In this spirit, I got optimistic about 2020. To be honest, 2020 was my best new year’s day  in a long time. I was staying with a friend and went places with her. This added onto the feeling of hope and I did something I don’t usually do- a list of things I hoped for in 2020. Looking back now, 2020 wasn’t what I expected it to be- just like everyone else. I am going to go through my list and reflect on how things really went. 


  1. No episode: This one didn’t work out. I got hospitalized at the beginning of March. However this time was different. I asked for it when I noticed I was spiraling. I wasn’t as worried about recovery as the other times in the past because this time I knew what went wrong and was actively working towards making things better. While at the hospital, I heard the news about MIT sending us all home due to COVID. My treatment switched around dealing with that change and the issues I had coming in were put on the backburner. It was a good stay though, the people were amazing. However, because I wasn’t doing so bad; I noticed things that were not going so well.


  1. Get an internship at an interesting place and make good money. I got a UROP instead. The professor was really great and the topic was interesting. The whole project was about the transgender exigency, but I worked specifically on when was the right time for children to transition. I also did make good money. 


  1. Pass classes and have a good GPA, 4.5 would be good. I did okay in classes. It helped that the spring was PE/NE, I NE’d a class. This fall went well too, I don't have all the grades but it looks good so far.


  1. Lose weight, go down to 160. Didn’t happen. I did maintain my weight though. Throughout the year, I tried multiple things including working with personal trainers and a nutritionist. I am still glad that I was able to maintain the weight I started with.


  1. Hair grows: I think this worked a bit. I have had locs on for four months now and it seems like the hair is growing.


  1. Keep friendships, make new ones. I don’t know. I did make new friends, then covid hit and communication died. I think some will be revived when I get back on campus


  1. Have a great living space. I moved to EC and had a great single room. Too bad I only lived there for a little over a month. I do enjoy being back at home sometimes


  1. Go home winter break+IAP:  thanks to the pandemic I also got the spring, summer and fall at home.


  1. Make professional relationships. The WGS department is relatively small, so I get to interact with the professors way more than I did in MechE.


  1. Have a life after school: didn’t work. The only other thing I do besides school is going to hospitals- not very fun.


  1. Travel to interesting places: I did go places at the beginning of the year that I had been wanting to go to for the longest time. I went to Northampton and to Wellesley, they both are kinda close to MIT  but it still counts for me.


  1. Learn doing hair or makeup. I got too lazy, I think I do okay with hair but makeup is still really overwhelming for me.


  1. Get a partner. HaHa!! I love that I said partner because I’ve been questioning lots of stuff.


Overall, I believe I did lots of work beyond the points mentioned above. I have grown a lot in terms of self awareness. I decided to let go of some values that had held me in negative cycles and also made changes I felt were good for me. I have gotten good at dealing with uncertainties- it is still hard though but not debilitating. I am not sure if I will make a list again, because if anything, this year taught me how precarious life is.  Despite all this, I am going to make more effort in trusting the process. 

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