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Closure

Trigger warning: may contain strong imagery and upsetting language.

 PS: this is a true story, the experience of someone who was and is still hurting but wanted to remain anonymous.

 I needed closure, and I found it in the String.
May 01, 2016; 11:30PM
I am laying in my bed, holding a metal string around my neck. In the darkness it feels cold and stifling, but I had made my mind.
I pulled harder, and then harder. My breath halted; bitterness filled my mouth; my tongue felt like it was coming out. I felt like my head was expanding and then it would explode into a zillion little pieces. I started getting weaker, and my hands could no longer pull on the string.
As a young girl, I have always been shy- unable to break out of my shell. Every time I saw a group of people I distanced myself from them. Even if it was my classmates. As I grew up my shyness dissolved, but my fear to engage with people did not. I was my own person, and I depended on no one else but me. Starting grade twelve, my world started crumbling down, and I hated it. I hated that I had no ambition, no passion. I hated that my parents had done so much for me and I could not repay it back. Above all, I hated my very existence.

I had to get rid of this shell of a person I was becoming; because I did not want to hurt the people I loved. So I decided to end it, the first of May. In the days leading to the first of May, I did a lot of practice and research.

I could not hang myself because I had no cord strong enough or where to put it. The classic, slitting your wrists turned out to be a failure. I tried it and had only one drop of blood fall down my arm. I wasn’t strong enough to cut deeper. The only viable option was to strangle myself and it was all set.

That night was one of the darkest in my life. After my hands failed me, I felt so weak, so betrayed, so alone. How could my last refuge be snatched away from me? I cried myself to sleep that night.

When I woke up it was as if nothing happened. I wrapped the metal string on the bed frame as a reminder. I took a shower, washed the dirt that covered me like a second cloth away. But I couldn’t feel clean, I don’t know if I’ll ever feel clean again.

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