Accéder au contenu principal

A season of waiting

Waiting is one of the most anxiety inducing phases in life. The bad news is we’re always waiting. We wait for the day to end, for plants to grow, for friendships to blossom. We’re in a perpetual state of waiting that at some point we forget what we have in the moment.

At the end of last year, I left MIT campus with hopes to return a changed mentally stable human. I had gone through one of the hardest semesters, even though I’d only been there for a little over a year. Walking away felt eerie and deep inside I didn’t want to leave. However, I needed to.

Fast forward, 7 months later; I have worked on what had sent me home. I’ve avoided any major crisis and maintained a stable mental state. I went to all my appointment and started taking classes. All this mainly thanks to my ingenuity and courage but also due to good fortune.

I’ve been waiting and hoping for a time like this to come. However the closer we get to the finish line, the harder it gets. I gave it my all, told the CAP and all the people in charge of the progress I have made and how I’m ready to come back to MIT. There is nothing I can do at this point. My hands are twitching and I’m resisting the urge to email a school dean and ask how things are going.

Last week, I talked with my therapist about how I was holding up as I waited for an answer.
I’m giddy. I can’t stop daydreaming about all the things I would do. I have pictured myself strolling along the Charles river, or speeding through the infinite corridor. Countless times I have planned outfits, thought of prepping meals on a Sunday afternoon. I dreamt of going for a swim or a run or spending time in the gym. And this has put a smile on my face.
All too soon it vanishes. I’m back home doing dishes and I mentally slap myself. I can’t allow myself to feel this good. I’ve been raised not to think too much about things I wanted lest it may go away. So I force myself to think about what would happen if the opposite of what I wanted happened- they deny my request to return.

Things would be the same way they have always been. Spend my weekdays at home doing chores, except now my sister would be in college somewhere and I’d be all alone. I would get annoyed at the little things and dream of the time past. In addition I would be stuck studying for a degree I do not care for at a less than stellar institution.

Waiting isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. It’s a series of hots and colds. One time I’m contemplating rainbows and sunlight I’ll be getting if my dreams came true, the next I’m scared shitless of what I’ll have to endure if it didn’t. To make matters worse, there’s nothing I can do about it, so I just wait. 13 days to go...

Commentaires

Enregistrer un commentaire

Posts les plus consultés de ce blog

Blake 11: a psychiatric hospital review

This one is from a while ago, so some details will be a bit here and there. The first time I was hospitalized for my mental illness, which is also the time I was diagnosed, I was at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH). The story of how I got there is in another blogpost. It was the 28th February 2018. I was sent to MGH for a wellness check. I rode with the MIT EMT. They did my labs and all my minerals and fluids were wack. I had spent almost two months without eating and drinking little water. Even though I got there around 10pm I wasn’t seen by a doctor until 2am.  That was because they were trying to give me fluids so that my levels would get close to normal. They also gave me food. A fruit bar and tuna sandwich.  When I met with the doctor, I broke into tears as one does. I told him the analogy of the tree falling in the forest but life/ death edition. We talked about lots of stuff. At the end of our discussion he told me I have bipolar disorder. I didn’t kn...
Enregistrer un commentaire
Lire la suite

AdMITted

It has been three weeks since I received the admission decision. It was on the fifteenth of December at 6:28 pm Eastern time. For those fond of Math you might have noticed that it was at two pi (3.14*2). Due to the time zones, I received the decision at 1:28 a.m. the next day. A month and a half ago, I finalised my application to Massachusetts Institute of Technology- the world leading university in STEM. After multiple essay edits, portfolio creation and video taking I was ready. I can call my application a leap of faith. The acceptance rate was less than eight per cent, and all the people who had applied from my school had not been admitted. I believed in myself though, and the non-restrictive early action application system inspired me. I avoided binding myself too much to the institution, for I did not want a heartache the moment the decision came. On multiple occasions, I build many backup plans and created schools of my dreams despite the fact that my dream school was MIT. I al...
Enregistrer un commentaire
Lire la suite

A letter to ggast class of 2017

Dear Gashora Girls Academy class of 2017, As I write this, I am in the MIT orientation. Last year at this exact time I was at home, sick. Less than a week earlier, I had a mental breakdown. The next day I was given permission to go home, and this marked the first of many trips I took home that term. I might have had a slightly different experience in the last term, but I believe I can give you some words of wisdom. Senior six (grade 12) was a frightening year for me. I was not a proactive person, and I liked​ to keep things to myself. Selling myself to a college seemed so hard for me. I had to talk to Mr John, our University counselor, do research, standardized tests, and all those things. I didn't know where to start. I was simply confused, so I stopped everything. I started the year with a 31 score in ACT practice, however, it went downhill from there. When I'm overwhelmed with multiple thing to do, I tend to freeze and not do anything at all. So I stopped ACT pract...
2 commentaires
Lire la suite