The Anniversary

Last weekend, I celebrated a week since I was hospitalised for the third time. It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving and I had to go to medical for a check-in. The check in turned into me being hauled to the hospital in an ambulance and the works.

This is something for me because the year before, I barely passed a month without having an episode. Now, it has been a year since my last one.

In all honesty I did have a number of close calls. When I was waiting for the results of my return application, I was showing signs of anxiety and depression. The suspense and anticipation were killing me. However it wasn’t very alarming, and my application was accepted on a Friday night. I cried of happiness.

I expected to become manic after that, because of how hectic things were and how excited I was. I was never afraid of my mania, it makes me invincible and very confident. However, it always ends in a depressive episode and I am terrified by that one.

Going back to MIT was hard. The classes were much harder than I remembered. I had to rekindle the relationships I had before leaving, but it is never the same after so much time apart.

I did do things differently. I am more assertive of what I can and cannot do. I know my limits and I don’t try to stretch them. I ask for the resources I need.  Everyday I have to remind myself that I am worth it, that I deserve all the help I am getting.

As we move into the next year, I am very scared. Sometimes I feel like I will go crazy like the flip of a switch. Even though I know it doesn’t work that way, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am scared I am slowly exhausting my good days.

Despite all that gloom, I am still here. I try to prepare for all possible scenarios and putting together ways for me to make it through. I am building community, when I can’t I create ways for it to happen.

As I celebrate this one year anniversary, I celebrate all the calls to my family, the hours spent in therapy, and my friends. I celebrate possibilities and knowing that because I have made it this far, there is a big possibility I’ll keep going forward.