My introverted self

I identify as an introvert. This is defined by some as the state of being predominantly interested in one's mental life. The introverted person is totally drained in social situations and in order to refill their energy need to find solitude.

On multiple occasions, I found it difficult to bond socially with people. When I was young, I considered it as a curse. I hated myself for this, and at times considered myself as friendless. To cherry tip the cake, I grew up physically faster than kids my age. In grade four, I was slightly taller and way fatter than my classmates. This made me feel bad all day, luckily, I was a day schooler. I could leave all these worries to school and come home to be filled up with family love.

To fill up the void of lack of constant human interaction with my classmates, I concentrated on the academics. I excelled. I graduated top of my class in primary, and moved on to secondary school.
As I started a new part of my life and education, things got harder. I had gone to a Catholic boarding school for girls. The security of coming back home after a long school day was no longer an option. Here body image and social skills weighed so much. Fat, socially awkward me had to find a way to survival.

I made it a point to follow the timetable. Wake up, prep, breakfast, classes, lunch, classes, sports, preps, dinner, preps, and sleep. It was a monotonous routine, and the only part of the school I knew was from the dorms to class to the dining Hall. This went on for two whole weeks. I had no friends there, and the little free time I had were spent alone in class.

Time went on, and I got used to the environment and made some acquaintances. My insecurities concerning my body image never diminished, so I almost starved myself- the food was not good anyways. In just two terms, I lost fifteen kilograms. I also acquired ulcers which I have nursed since then.

Back to my social dysfunctionality, I had managed to make relationships here and there. I acknowledge that these were only born out of the constant human interactions due to a small community. Many of those have died out at this moment.

I have met people whom we became friends for what I could offer. On multiple occasions, I worked with my classmates during exams, but it seemed like they had never known me when it ended. I was heartbroken at times, but I realized that was how the world worked for me. Sometimes I do not even blame them. During exams, I was like a fish in water, but as they ended, I was pulled out of my area of expertise. People wanted to have fun, take risks, and socialize. I was not good at any, so I made friends with my bed.

Later on, I changed schools, and joined a different community. This one was more close-knit and accepting. I experienced what we call "the sisterhood." It was easier for me to connect and make friends. But I was at times labeled 'shy'; maybe because I didn't enjoy long conversations with others, or because I couldn't relate to what brought many together.

Then I found an alternative universe- the world of books. Here I was free. I could fuse with the characters, understand their joys, choices and fears. At the end of a book, I would jump into another world with a different story. That is why many of my classmates will remember me as the girl who reads a lot, even when I had exams to study for.

Many saw me as the girl with the head in the book, others like someone who didn't put too much effort in academics but still succeeded, yet others saw the shy intelligent girl with a weird wardrobe. No one saw the real me, and with time I might have lost contact with her too.

I could merge the three girls, I reflected what I felt was required and never looked back. The bonds I made may have been connected to any of the personas. I discussed with friends about various topics. On some occasions, when part of groups, I found myself as the one who listened with no contribution. In two-to-two talks, I would get tongue-tied and let the conversation die.

When the moment came to leave high school, I was distraught. I thought of all the strong bonds I hadn’t made. I lost contact the personas I had created. In the dead of the night, I questioned my identity and life's purpose. All I got was blank. I got tired of trying to find an answer so I let it go.

Nevertheless, I really cherished my time at high school. I learned to love my friends. I learned to let go and let live. Even when I have not tried to reach out to those people. Even though the bond joining us together might be weak. I still love you, just like an introvert, socially dysfunctional like me could ever do- with my mind and heart.