Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?

"I am afraid to tell you who I am, because, if I tell you who I am you may not like it; and it's all I have." John Powell 

My answer to this would be that I was never taught to own up and tell people who I really am. To understand this, you will need to understand my culture and where I come from. Rwanda is one of the few countries with a single culture and language. We consider Rwanda as one extended big family. You wouldn't pass by someone without saying hello, even if that person is a total stranger. And of course they will respond with a smile. Parents look after everyone's child, and in general everyone is friendly.

Nevertheless, beyond that aura of friendliness lies something else. I like to call Rwandans "hypocrites", and this is not in a negative way. Rwandans are a reserved people and like their business to be kept secret. At a very young age principles of decorum are drilled in us. When someone says "bite?" Hi how are you? You have to respond with a "ni byiza" all is well. All this regardless of the fact that you have missed dinner, are close to being expelled from school or your life is a total mess. You wave and smile the tears away.

As a little girl, I used to be pretty honest. I would tell people whatever comes to my mind. Once I told a visitor what we had had for dinner- spaghetti. I was proud of myself then. But I regretted it a little afterwards, because I was chastised. After multiple indiscretions, I learnt the lesson, and started keeping things to myself.

Growing up, I turned into a perfect Rwandan. My little indiscretions flew away, just like my openness.  Small talk became my second nature, my typical conversations contained so much superficialities I was disgusted. I always felt my relationship with people lacked something, but I couldn't put my hand on it. It's no surprise that many of my relationships are just dormant.

"I can only know that much about myself of which I have had the courage to share with you."

On multiple occasions, I have struggled with identity confusion.Am I the shy girl who's always all by herself? Or even the intelligent one who doesn't try too hard? Despite what people think, I like to consider myself as not a shy person. Yes I do not talk a lot, and I would prefer to read a nice book sipping a cup of hot tea as opposed to going for a party with my classmates. It is true that we can sit together without me uttering a word for long, but I believe words are precious. I see no reason to waste my oxygen on words that don't mean a thing, so I would rather keep quiet and only speak when need be.

I wouldn't mind giving you a little bit of myself, but you must be willing to ask for it. To be honest, I can't go screaming on the rooftops the story of my life. On the same line, I wouldn't tell you what has been nagging me without you asking. But even then, I might not know how to answer it. The generic answers that have been drilled into my mind as a little girl have hindered my self-understanding. If you ask me "how are you?" My first instinct would be to tell you that I am fine. But I am learning to answer more truthfully, maybe say that "I am hungry" or "I am excited" or another more detailed and true answer.

For the sake of the advancement of human interactions, we should learn to be true to ourselves and the people in our lives. Everytime you tell your friends, family, or acquaintances an honest answer, you will be inviting them to do the same. And as a result, you will achieve another level of understanding your true self.