My personal struggle

After hours of waiting, the doctor was finally able to see me. I was apprehensive of what would come next, but I entered anyways- I had no other choice. Walking was really hard for me, I wished I had wings to carry me. I couldn’t tell the psychiatrist what was going on with me, instead I made analogies about trees falling.

If a tree fell in a forest, and no one was there, does it make a sound? Even better, if a tree fell in a forest and no one saw it, did it really fall? I was the tree in my monologue, and I wondered what would happen if I was no more.

I had experienced imposter syndrome in highschool, and i thought i had grown used to it. I thought, it wouldn’t be as crushing as it turned out to be. Despite passing all the classes I took in the fall, it didn’t feel like an accomplishment. Instead, I braced myself for failure to hit me straight in the face.

Winter break came, and everyone left for home or other more interesting things. I stayed looked in my room. When my food reserves finished, I wasn’t strong enough to buy more, instead I decided eating wasn’t much of a priority.

Things deteriorated to the point where I couldn’t face people. I did not want them to see how broken and messed up I had become. IAP came and went and the spring semester started. However, I didn’t know how to go back to the real word; instead i created a world of my own- full of dirt and darkness.

This went on for a month before people noticed, MIT police was called to do a wellness check. It turned out i was far from well, my heart rate was high, my blood sugar was low and I had lost 30lbs. However, the most affected part was my mind. I was extremely depressed, hence my visit to the psychiatrist.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. From there everything went downhill. I questioned every thought, every idea, every decision i have ever made. I wondered which of my experiences have been shaped by my diseases. I thought my free will had been snatched away by my mental illness.

Four months have passed, and I am now able to look my illness in the eye (figuratively). I am no longer freaked out by what has become my daily life. I am working real hard on listening to my body. The growth I have had makes the period of darkness totally worth it.