Accéder au contenu principal

My Chronic Illnesses

In the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about having chronic diseases. What it does to the body and to the mind. I went to see my psychiatrist on account of some symptoms that were resurfacing and it caught me off-guard thinking about it. The culmination of this is a dream I had tonight. I was in a camp like situation and lots of people I knew from different areas of my life were there. On the last day, a friend of mine was not doing well mentally and they asked me to be a sort of counselor for her. I refused because I knew it would be triggering for me, but the person kept insisting. When trying to explain why it was not good for me, how being there for the second time knowing how bad things had gotten since then was triggering enough. And I broke down.

Whenever I tell people how I will be on medication until I die, they try to dismiss it. “God will cure you” is the popular one. However, I no longer feel connected to said God and actively distance myself from anything relating to it. To me living with bipolar disorder is like having a gun on you, that could go off at any time. It emphasizes the inevitability of death but also makes it very unpredictable. Knowing that there is a big possibility that it will be with my own hand doesn’t help much.

When I got diagnosed, almost three years ago, I was in such a bad shape I didn’t know how to think long term. I still don’t do well with thinking long term. But that means, I was okay with my diagnosis. However, I don’t know anymore. I will never feel free to experience life. I know there are lots of grueling chronic illnesses that can be more taxing than the ones I have. What bothers me the most is the permanence of it, knowing I’ll deal with it until I die. Given that they are not visible all the time, knowing that my loved ones will forget about it and I’ll suffer alone.



Commentaires

Enregistrer un commentaire

Posts les plus consultés de ce blog

Blake 11: a psychiatric hospital review

This one is from a while ago, so some details will be a bit here and there. The first time I was hospitalized for my mental illness, which is also the time I was diagnosed, I was at Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH). The story of how I got there is in another blogpost. It was the 28th February 2018. I was sent to MGH for a wellness check. I rode with the MIT EMT. They did my labs and all my minerals and fluids were wack. I had spent almost two months without eating and drinking little water. Even though I got there around 10pm I wasn’t seen by a doctor until 2am.  That was because they were trying to give me fluids so that my levels would get close to normal. They also gave me food. A fruit bar and tuna sandwich.  When I met with the doctor, I broke into tears as one does. I told him the analogy of the tree falling in the forest but life/ death edition. We talked about lots of stuff. At the end of our discussion he told me I have bipolar disorder. I didn’t kn...
Enregistrer un commentaire
Lire la suite

Impromptu Poems

1. They came to us running Lusting over our brains The pocketful of vegetables So slow yet so strong Full of savagery It couldn’t be compared So, we had to choose: Fight or flight Help or denial The weak or the strong. We wait for the weak And we lose ourselves We leave them behind, And we lose them forever. A dilemma Who to save? Who to leave? This was inspired from a debate motion saying," in case of a Zombie attack, do we wait for the weak" 2. Standing in front of us, They hold our brains Filling them up Opening them up All these new words The insane concepts The beauty of what lies ahead Quickly scribbling new teachings As if they were scriptures We seek to express But we are impressed How does someone know so much? This should be illegal Either way, it isn’t That’s where the beauty lies Written when I visited the beginner's class during the dreamers camp 2016
2 commentaires
Lire la suite

Wednesday, my favorite

2013, GSNDL, Southern province Rwanda. Thank God it’s Wednesday (TGIW), for I simply love Wednesdays. This is the day we have the best classes, and the best food. I wake up energised, because Wednesday is close to Monday but still gives a promise of the weekend. I have creative performance in the afternoon, a class where we draw and sing and have fun. After that we go for sports, which I love a lot because we get a chance to get out of school grounds. Later on we go to peel cassavas near the kitchen. It I very fun because we are trying to stuff parts of cassavas in our pockets, while escaping the watchful eye of the matron. After peeling cassavas and keeping some to eat raw the next morning, we go for dinner-sweet potatoes, beans and tea. This is my favourite meal because every other day we eat rice or posho (food made of maize floor). 2016, GGAST, Eastern province, Rwanda. I am still in love with Wednesdays. We have only one class of math for the whole day! I have the rest of t...
Enregistrer un commentaire
Lire la suite