The demons within

We all have our inner demons, screaming to be let out. They taunt us. Scratch our consciousness. They make us question so many things, even our own existence. We don't like our demons though, and we definitely don't want to let them out. However a time comes when we can't just cover them up and hope their screams won't echo.

I have my own personal demons. They whisper to me at night. So soft a murmur I barely acknowledge them. They tell me that I am not enough. They make me question my relevance on Earth. My little heart desperate for significance breaks over and over again. I end up listening to the voice whispering late in the night, for I don't know what else to do.

In the summer of last year- fancy way to say second term- I followed my demons. I let them roam free in my mind. I was overwhelmed with the things I had to do. I had always depended on my own efforts. I knew I could make things work out. I studied hard and got good grades. I never really bothered about leadership positions or extra curricular activities. Grades were all that mattered then.

I had always excitedly pictured my eighteenth birthday- the beginning of something amazing. However, the closer it got, the more anxious I felt. It was on the first Thursday of the term, and not that many people remembered. My best friend gave me a golden necklace and earrings. Other people gave me lollipops, the default gift then. I really appreciated the love and attention. However my inner demons gave me a gift too- self doubt and self destruction..

The journey only went downhill from then. I distanced myself ​from my friends. I felt awkward and inadequate. After all they had everything figured out- or so I thought. The only words that left my mouth were complaints. I complained of my parents inability to pay for the standardized tests. I worried that I would fail them by messing up everything. I turned into a sea of doubts and worries.

My constant wish was to dissolve into nothingness. I cursed the day I came into existence for no reason at all. Whenever I tried to look into my future, all I saw was blank. I would sit at the stairs in the dorm and lament. I dreamed of crouching lower, to the point of invisibility. My best friend was no longer there for me as she used to. I wanted her near me all the time, but she had other friends and commitments. So I let her go, even if it broke my heart into pieces.

I only felt fine when I was fast asleep. Every night I slept wishing to never see the dawn again. However the sun rose and a new day begun. I was always close to tears when I woke up, because it meant I would have to go through another day. Another day of listening to my demons, witnessing how unfit I was and just hurting over everything. I wished to see the light at the end of the tunnel I was rolling in.

I rediscovered the meaning of my life, when my demons subsidized. One day, I realized my demons had quieted down. Nevertheless, I understood. I understood that everyone is fighting with their own demons. You may not know them or even acknowledge them, however, I know most people have something haunting them.

Sometimes they torture you to the point you no longer want to live. Other times, they make you despise other people's existence. I fought my own demons. I almost lost myself, and I know they might come back. In the meantime I am enjoying to be alive.